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Going Out of Print Perzine Bundle


Bundles are thematically curated zines that cost less when you buy them together. The Going Out of Print Perzine Bundle brings together 5 perzines that will no longer be printed once they are sold out: Fucking Magic #13, Fucking Magic #14, Fucking Magic #15, I want to feel alive again at all costs, and riverbed. The zines are hard copy and sent in the mail.

Fucking Magic #13:
Most issues of Fucking Magic were written over a period of three months. This one was written over a period of two years as I agonized over whether or not the series was done. I kept turning to the writing and turning away, struggling with it and trying to figure out what needed to change. Finally momentum built and something happened. This zine is about being cancelled, having my life utterly destroyed, being diagnosed with a serious autoimmune condition, 8pm curfews and lockdowns for 6 months, and feeling like dying. It’s about trying to figure out how to live now, in the aftermath of the explosion, live with courage and honesty yes, but also how to feel alive again. It’s about complex trauma, being estranged from my family of origin, trying to build a life for myself as a highly stigmatized person, falling for people, trying to find my sexuality again, learning to drive, adopting Clover, going on road trips and submerging my body into bodies of water. It’s about the living universe, the wild world itself, the things I learned from waterfalls and from my therapist. Surprisingly it moves from utter despair and numbness to a transformative return to being, and feeling, alive. I am very proud of this one. It’s thick. It’s juicy. It’s back from the dead.

Fucking Magic #14:
Fucking Magic #14 is about giving up on trying to be good, learning that being in integrity is not the same thing as being liked, and falling in love with the crazy girl I used to be who saved my life. It’s about the concept of home, estrangement, creating family, and finding roots as a survivor of child abuse. It’s about spiritual longing and the need for god. It’s about my decision to take part in ayahuasca ceremony and how I arrived at this decision as a sober alcoholic who goes to 12 steps meetings. It’s about what I learned in ceremony: the sacred irreplaceable singularity of every living soul, and finally seeing myself for the first time. It’s about major shifts in my understanding of sexuality, and major breakthroughs in my practice of polyamory. It’s about growing, and living, and being very much alive.

Fucking Magic #15:
This is the final issue of Fucking Magic. It’s the closing of a chapter to create something new. It’s about my experience taking part in ayahuasca ceremony: what changed in me and what I learned. It’s about facing unthinkable things and being changed by them. It’s about the beauty of being human and the importance of showing people you love them. It’s about new love, embodied movement, where I have arrived in my life, and a hint at where I’m going. The last word in a long series, Fucking Magic #15 is an exhale.

I want to feel alive again at all costs:
Life after cancel culture. Coming alive again somehow, slowly. The first creative nonfiction I’ve done in two years. Road trips and bodies of water and seeking. Seeking for that aliveness that I lost.

I’ve been here before and I’ll be here again. Ghosts of who I used to be join me in this writing. Old ways of writing take up new themes / new ways of writing take up old themes. I approach middle age with relish: power and steadiness, trusting who I am. Love in depth and texture. Love that shakes me in revelation each time I notice, again and again. Responsibility as freedom and adventure. My plan to become a mother. Being who I am now, and being who I’ve always been. Becoming who I’m becoming. Aging but not outgrowing the perzine form. This cauldron of words has always shown me who I am. Rejecting the cult of youth and embracing what’s behind the curtain (the whole world). Reviewing old lessons. Showing what I’ve learned.